If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
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[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
seems fine
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Animal poetry
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!