“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
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My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
wtf management?!
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.