click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.