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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?