Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
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Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.