People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
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doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*