Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
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I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.