I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
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I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
When they try to steal your moment.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”