Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
synchronized noseblowing
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
#TopTip
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?