[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
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[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.