Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
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If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
and this one
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
OKAY DAD
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?