Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
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My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Lmao
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.