[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
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You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.