“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
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Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
why isn’t thunder called soundning
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon