We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
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My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano