Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?