Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
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Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.