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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!