My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing