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Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.