People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
You Might Also Like
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
How do dragons blow out candles?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!