No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.