in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
You Might Also Like
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t