People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
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I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…