me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
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My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor