I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
You Might Also Like
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies