Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
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add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?