[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
This will never not be funny 😭
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”