Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
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Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Finally!
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
spicy snake
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
This is my cat’s medicine.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones