People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
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If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.