Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire