st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
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“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
What the hell happened in there??
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
#DesignFail
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.