Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
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hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Ooops wrong house😂😜
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane