“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
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There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Cucumbers Anonymous
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.