And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
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Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed