Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.