It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.