me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
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Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Natty or not?
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
let’s discuss
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.