I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
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Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Your secret is safeish with me
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Hard not to take this personally
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?