If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
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The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.