Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?