me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
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To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
buys donuts instead
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.