I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
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I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.