People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
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You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Who did it better?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.