You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
🤣😈🤣
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it