Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
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When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Me as a therapist: omg same
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
When you pick your nose after dusting the house