Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 馃樄
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ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it鈥檚 just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don鈥檛 believe his lies
#Caturday
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
He鈥檚 eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I鈥檓 over here eating a salad all non non non.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we鈥檒l talk
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I鈥檓 in less] and Easy 馃檪