As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother