In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
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Friday night party time 🥳
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I came this close!!!!
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.