My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
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“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.